TRANSCRIPT
Relationship Quickie | The Power of Making Friendships In a Flash
Iva 1:29
Hi and welcome to a new episode of the "Mom Bosses Abroad" podcast. I am here today with my business bestie and podcast co-host, Desiree Gonzales, and today we are diving into this conversation that we had about why does it seem, for the most part, that it's easier, and you're able to connect faster or make, I don't know, quicker friendships with people when you are living abroad.
Desiree 2:06
When you’re a mom boss abroad..
Iva 2:09
When you’re a mom boss abroad, and you are thrown into this new, different world. So welcome.
Desiree 2:15
Yes, it's so good to be here. We are, for those who may not watch the video but just listening to the podcast, we are actually together today, which is beautiful that we get to record this face-to-face as opposed to being in two different countries. But yeah, it's really interesting. I think it's to do with a recent experience we've both made that we have the opportunity to meet someone that we have been connected with for a long time but actually meet that person in person. And we both felt like, "Oh my God, we feel like we've all known each other for years and years." And there was not one barrier, not these, like five minutes where we need to warm up or get to know each other. It's like we just met, and we started the conversation as if we would meet all the time. And we're like, why is that? Why is that so possible for us to meet people abroad, wherever we are, and have these connections that are so deep and so thriving before we even get started?
Iva 3:31
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So have you ever felt that had you stayed back home? Would it have had to follow a different protocol or a different process?
Desiree 3:49
Gosh, I feel I would be such a different person if I would have never left my home. Yeah, I don't even know because I've been away from home since I'm 11. So I don't even know what it's like to not have that sense of the world being abroad, the moving, the raising kids in different countries, working in different countries with different people. You know, just living life, and life happens along the way like it has for both of us, right? Our lives, like, you know, we got married in this country, had our kids in that country. We started our businesses in this country, we've, you know, like, it's all evolving that I don't even know what it'd be like if I would have never left my home of Germany to pursue my dreams. I don't even know.
Iva 4:54
There was a movie, I don't want to date myself. But there was a movie with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, back in "Speed." Is this okay? I think in that movie, they said something like, oh, when you are in this high emotion, high stakes environment, it's like feelings come up faster. Like you get to, oh, you get to, you get to a whole new level faster. And I think that's a little bit what might be behind the fact that when you are abroad, you just, you have to take it. You have to just embrace it. You have to make the most out of the moment. Because things change so fast. Time goes by different, concept of time also goes different when you're abroad, and you don't know how much time you have or how much time this person has when you are intersecting. I mean everything so I really relate to what you're to what you're saying. And I have also felt it's like also when I went abroad to university, it was a very similar feel. I made friendships very quickly because we seem to all be on the same boat, in the same boat. Like we all seem to be thrown into this unknown environment, and you just had to figure things out, and everybody was also trying to figure things out, and it created this sense of okay, we're similar, like going through the same things. And just because we're going through the same things, we can find more points in common.
Desiree 6:49
Right, and consciously, I think we're trying to hold on to each other. Almost like a invisible safety net because we are indeed going through the same thing. Yeah, there are certain uncertainties, we're unsure, there's a lot of question marks, and when we find that person that has the certain the same uncertainties and question marks, we hold on to each other with the hope of not doing it alone. But also trying to find answers to navigate that uncertainty. And I think that is why we make bonds quicker. And friendships quicker.
Iva 7:32
I have a sense that there's this reciprocity principle going on. So let's say you arrive at this new place and somebody takes you under their wing. I remember when I arrived in Hong Kong, this shout out to a great friend Yoko, who took me to the wet market for the first time. And she helped me navigate all the different characters and where was this produce from and all these things, and she's like, "Come, we'll go together. I'll show you where to go. What are my stands, where are the places that I actually get my produce from." And I have really appreciated that she took me and so when you meet someone that is fresh, as well a new as well into where you are at the time and you're like, you know, so as you said, subconsciously you have this thought of, okay, somebody did it with me, they took me by the hand, I want to do the same. I also want to help them navigate things. I also want to tell them, "
Desiree 8:56
Pass it on, pass it on. I'm grateful for the help. We received that. Yeah. That when we see another person like you know that we're a few steps ahead of them. We have that need and that desire to also be of service and help them along right. Yes, I think are like, surrounding we have these different layers, because we are moms so school pickup, you see another mom, maybe their child or your child, they're throwing a tantrum or something. We just look at each other. We understand I don't even have to know each other. Maybe I don't even know that mom's first name. But we like look at each other and it's get this kind of like, Mama, I hear you I feel Yeah, I see you. I know what you're going through. Or she looks at me that way. And we have there's that instant connection. We're like, Yeah, yeah, this understanding.
Iva 9:53
You don't need to use a lot of words. I just need to say a couple of things. That also happened to me with my daughter. She was being grumpy in an elevator and the woman that was in in it, she's like, Oh, what's, you know? Is she tired? And I said “no, she didn't have her nap.” That's all I needed to say for her to understand that okay, Yeah, that's the dimension of not sleeping her nap. What did that what did that mean? But interesting. Here's an interesting fact. I met my husband in similar circumstances. He was also arriving where I was at the time and I was introduced to him. And I took him under the wing, so to speak, right. I also helped him navigate the lay of the land and those are the things I mean, our story has a romantic feel to it and a romantic ending. But if you just want to pay it forward, you just want to you just want to be able to help that person as well.
Desiree 11:04
Exactly.
Iva 11:58
And there's also wouldn't you say that there's this element of like you're more open-minded as well about whoever comes along and you just want to get to know them? You just you just want to hear their story. Like you just want to…
Desiree 12:20
Definitely is like the first like the mother version. And then the second one is like working you know, so when you meet other moms who have potentially little kids, but are also trying to either work in an existing job or trying to build a brand like us. It's like, you also look to each other in like, advice. Motivation. What is this like? Not what am I trying to say this like accepted this confirmation? Like, yeah, you're doing things good. Because sometimes you don't know. It's like, there's so many questions marks: Am I doing it right? Am I doing it wrong? Because we're all new to this right and being like a mom and having all of these other factors of having to be there for the family and the children. And you're trying to do your own thing and then finding another mom was in that exact same situation. Boom, immediate bond. Immediate, so how do you do this? And what do you do this or just to pour your heart out? Today was a hard day because I had a meeting and my baby would nap and I had to do it and then she was crying and like, I hear you, I see you I feel you I understand. And I think that makes these connections so real and so deep because we get each other situation. Now throw into the mix of fact that we're all abroad in a country that is not our own. I think that is where the true magic happens, right? Because these connections we just spoke about being a mom and being a working mom. They can happen in your home country right?
Iva 14:05
But that's how it tends to become friends with the moms that have children similar to classmates that your children are with in school. So it comes about that. But when you are abroad, there's that other dimension.
Desiree 14:23
And that other dimension I think is the one that defines that. While we are away from our home country, we're away from our support network, which could be parents which could be friends, which could be like certain services you have in your own home country which all of a sudden you don't have and put into the mix. You're there. The language is not your own. The characters they write in are not your own. You don't understand anything, and everything is new. And then you meet other people who are in that same situation, the same constellation, the same mix of being a mom in a different country or being a working mom in another country. And you see each other and you're like we get together, we understand what one another is going through. And all of a sudden I don't know what it is. Do you feel like the sentiment like “I have your back”? Maybe because I feel I need someone to have my back I need that feeling that I'm not alone in this situation.
Iva 15:39
Yeah, I have been through it and I'm on the other side and trust me it gets better or it gets easier. Or you can handle it. It's okay, this is normal. Sometimes we just want to to hear that sure is normal. The assurance that it's normal or somebody else. Somebody else has felt the same way or the situation has a course similar to yours and you're like, is this normal? Do I need to worry about this? But I want to add something else to what you're saying about being abroad. Because I also feel that in the current climate of how things are going globally, there's always this sense of, you know, you just don't know what will happen next. Like there's a lot of uncertainty. There's a lot of you just want to shelter your family or you want to shelter your kids from it or you want to shelter yourself from what's going on in a way just to keep yourself within a certain space right when you're were you say it's already a lot what I'm handling here, my immediate surroundings, let alone now don't need to worry as well about what's happening on the other side of the world. And that doesn't mean that you that you don't want to no it just means that you're just trying to handle what you have in front of you. And, and it is a testament I feel that despite what the news might say, despite what you read about, despite what gets highlighted on social media or other publications, I do believe that for the most part there is goodness. In all of us as human beings. We do want to just honor that connection with other people and feel helpful, that we want to be able to just do good things for other people for no other reason that it feels good. And I think that when you are living abroad, you get a little bit more of that faith restored. Because you see it you have more interactions with people that just go out of their way to make your your experience, your moment slightly better. Not because they're going to get anything in return just because they out of the really out of the goodness of their heart. They just want to do it and there was a recent episode that happened with my kids. We were queuing up at a theme park and we were trying to get them I don't know some like a little box that had popcorn in it.
Desiree19:08
We just went to Disney together
Iva 19:12
To celebrate two important milestones. Children turn six are very, very close to one another one.
Desiree 19:22
Yeah, seven day window
Iva 19:25
And we were queuing up and my children see somebody carrying a case. I don't know how to explain it. It was like a little box. And they liked it. And we thought okay, let's ask them where they got it within the parks just so that we can also go and check it out. And there was the language barrier. And so they were trying to explain to us that they have had it already for a while and we said oh, okay, thank you so much. And then a few seconds later, they came over and they gave it to my daughter. They said please have it. We want her to have it. And it was the sweetest thing and we said “No, we cannot take it” because we also felt like that was not the intention. We just wanted to know where you got it. But if it was somewhere else or in a different park or different country, it's fine. We just, we just wanted to know, but they really made a point of us keeping it they really were very adamant. Please, please.
Desiree 20:43
They knew it was her birthday right?
Iva 20:49
Yeah, but those are the things where you feel very touched and moved because you will never see these people again. You will never you don't know their names. You don't know anything about them other than they just wanted to do a good gesture for you. So going back to what you say, especially when you meet other moms, and you can relate because you are in that same space. And they are also trying to work through their business, pursue their passion projects, do things that light them up. And they are leaving abroad. Then you say oh my God, it's a no brainer. I just have to step in and share the little that I know or guide them in this direction. Or I know someone that knows someone. What is it that you need? What is it that you're after? But I just feel that overall it's such a wonderful experience to have this opportunity because there is a thing to be said about this type of friendships. You know, it's not the friendship that you have from childhood that you've known them forever and you know that it will always continue to be so and there's something special about that, or the friendships that you make in in your college years or university or when you're in your 20s but this is like a different type of friendship. This is the friendships that you make when you are I would say in the trenches.
Desiree 22:14
Yeah, in the day -o-day like we're here this is really more conscious choices about who you want to include in your life and as part of your friends like you become a little bit more like selective as well. I think another layer as well is the fact that like we when we're abroad, we don't have that many choices, either to make friends like I think when we're at home, we're at home, this is like where we are this is the school this is then you maybe you have your certain community groups, you have family friends, you have your whole life like in front of you, right, like all different people. But when you move to a country, that's not your own, you also you don't know many people. You start from zero, maybe like a really good I think as a small okay, the men, they have their own thing, the work life and work friends and colleagues and contacts they make. But for us it's also goes more into like school, other school moms, and then you find maybe another mom or mom friends are good but then find another mom who is also maybe an entrepreneur and entrepreneur and you're like, oh, immediately because there's not so many options to begin with when you move somewhere. So immediately you're like, oh, okay, like oh, she's doing something similar to me. And you know, another interesting thought I had is like, I am friends today with people. I don't know if I would be friends with them if I were back home because they're so different to me. Their family setup is maybe very different, their circumstances different. I'm friends with them because and I've had that amazing opportunities to become friends with these types of people where I'm learning a lot you know, I'm also getting an insight into other people's lives that I wouldn't have had if I wasn't friends with them. But if I was back home, I probably wouldn't choose to be friends with those people for whatever reason, I don't know because you have so many choices. But here the choices are limited. And I feel I've made the most beautiful, unexpected, but most beautiful friendships that have also lasted for a very long time.
Iva 24:49
Yeah, they feel that sometimes
Desiree 24:53
Yeah right.
Iva 24:54
It's just like a very you might have a question about I don't know something that you see that their kids are having. You ask them “please direct me in the in the right direction.”
Desiree 25:07
Right and evolves from there are like funny comments that are made maybe in the park everyone is playing. They're like, you know, if you've had one of these days, and you're like, Oh man, seriously, like something's like, I don't know, you say something out of that situation. You're like, I like that. I like what that person said. It's like the kind of either humor or sarcasm or comment that they made that I like, Yeah. And you're like, Wow, I never thought that person would be like that. But now you find this like, little glimpse of like, Yes, this is the people I need.. Or sorry, being sarcastic with because it's a certain type of like direction you take right and I've made friends that I'm so grateful for that I honestly don't think I would be friends with if I was back home.
Iva 26:06
You wouldn't have the need either. You wouldn't have had the need if you had a choice. You would be like Why? Why would I invest time and energy? If I don't even know if they're gonna stay here for the long term, might as well continue to cultivate what I already have. But when you're abroad, you again in that same boat, so you know,
Desiree 26:27
And good that you mentioned that because that's another thing because your friendships become intense quickly because you also know you have a limited.
Iva 26:38
You don't know when someone is saying look yeah, we're done.
Desiree 26:42
So that does happen and it seems to happen to me at every move. There's one person you immediately like that you say: We're gonna be great friends and then they're like, we're moving. We're moving. And you’re like No! why are you moving? I feel we could have become great friends.
Iva 27:02
It's a bittersweet experience. And I don't know, I feel that it also helps you to appreciate life on a different dimension because not every moment is going to be the same. And maybe we'll make another episode more about this but it goes into the direction that when you go back home, not much seems to have changed. And when you are out here a lot changes very quickly, very frequently. And you just have to continue re shifting and realigning to what comes up and that entails saying goodbye to your friends, to people that you wish you could have spent more time with and now you know that it's no longer the case. So it's that living in the moment appreciating that this will not repeat itself not the same way. Maybe you can continue the friendship and meet up somewhere else. But it does require a lot more effort into
Desiree 28:07
Yeah, that moment also like if you find someone you really like and you mesh very well together, appreciate those moments because they're not going to last forever. One of you will leave eventually. So that's I think that that determines the intensity of the build-up of certain friendships, relationships, collaborations, whatever there may be. And I personally think and I know you probably think it's the most beautiful, most precious thing you can have right these friendships you form with people you meet all over the world from all different backgrounds. And this unspoken bond, this invisible line you carry through your friendship. That is very, very unique.
Iva 29:02
Yeah, it is. It is a lot of people say Oh, you know, friendships tend to be different when you're older. Yeah. It's not the same as when you form them when you're young and when you're in school. And yeah, you're starting from a different baseline. All together. But that's what we mean to say. I think that is what really allows you to feel that your network and your support system is so enriching because it has all this different flavors to it. I don't know what other words you use, but it's like yeah, it's my friend from back in the day you know, we have gone through so much, but then it's also this other person that gets me in the now. They are with me living the moment now and then this childhood friend, we need to explain a lot more to get them on board to where I am in this moment. And this person is already right there with me. We're living it together. We're going through it together, and so it becomes more automatic and it doesn't need a this is better than this. It just needs to be acknowledged and appreciated for what it is. But we just wanted to dedicate this episode to the fact that when you are a mom boss living abroad, you do have these wonderful surprises and these wonderful encounters and these wonderful friendships that are…you are blown away by how fast they go. How quickly the connection is, how wonderful the exchanges, the moments and everything. And then you're just taking and keeping those memories close to your heart because in today's world now we are one email away, one text message away, we're also we're also a little bit the connection is faster than before.
Desiree 13:10
I do think we're very wealthy people you know, very rich people and that sense of you get to meet these people of different nationalities, of different backgrounds, of different like in different parts and seasons of their journey to and to fuse that together with their own. I think I am so entirely grateful for these connections we've made including you, but other people along the way and I think it's all based so you know also shout out to our good friend Edith. We met and we've been friends for a long time she has, you know, been in our collaborations together. And we met for the first time here in Tokyo after all three years together meeting her in person after such a long time, and it wasn't an encounter. And seriously if you would have watched us from afar. It was like three moms sitting together like they've known each other a lifetime and it wasn't an hour's long and it was an hour long encounters.
Iva 32:21
So time was limited, so beautiful.
Desiree 32:25
And people would not never in a million years guessed that. The first time we met each other in person, and I think it's beautiful. So, Mama go out there and embrace your friends that you meet. You don't know where it could be in the supermarket, could be in front of your children's school. You don't know where you're going to meet your friends, make these connections, cherish them, be grateful for them. You're truly blessed. So never forget that
Iva 32:56
you will find someone along the way and here is to you enjoying this beautiful journey of being abroad and gaining those new experiences as you share them with other ones along the way. And thank you for taking us for the ride as well. We'll see you in the next time.
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