TRANSCRIPT
Friend or Foe | Discovering the Hidden Power of Anxiety
Iva 0:51
We are here today as always, myself, Iva and my beautiful business bestie and co-host Desiree. So welcome. And as we record this episode, we are fully entering the holiday season at the most hectic crazy, fast paced, I guess season of the whole year. And it tends to-I feel- create or add on to a lot more of that sense of everything, together, all at once. I don't know if anybody watched that movie. But I remember that title because even though the movie has nothing to do with the topic because today it's all about, you know how we can transform anxiety into strength and how we as mothers can harness the brilliance of anxiety for our own advantage. But it tends to feel sometimes during the holiday season, that it is that sense of everything together all at once. So one of the things that I wrote about just recently in a magazine article is whether we should look at anxiety as a friend or an enemy, you know, something that we have to completely eradicate from our lives altogether. And if that is even a possibility, what does that look like? Because I have been working already with a lot of beautiful mamas in the space of my practice. I have been doing quite a bit of research on this topic because it's one of my zones of genius if you will, and I came across this book by Karla McLaren called Embracing Anxiety. And what I found truly resonated with what most of my clients tend to experience, which is, you know, this sense of anxiety, overwhelm and confusion and how to navigate within that space. But before we get started, I just wanted to add a bit of a disclaimer, because even though, the author Karla McLaren, does state that anxiety is an essential source of foresight, intuition and energy, because her idea is that anxiety helps us in a way to plan a little bit towards the future. And the scope of this episode is more an invitation for mothers to befriend anxiety in a way that empowers them and moves them forward, however, as a Licensed RTT hypnotherapist I bring the following encouraging news to anyone that has a mental health condition that is bringing about a lot of anxiety for them. Because the good news is: mental health conditions are highly treatable. And the earlier that you seek assistance, the better is going to be, more positive the outcome, but we're not talking about that type of category. So if anyone that is listening right now feels that they do have something that is more underlying, a little bit more deeper, then please seek help. This is more like that sense of anxiousness that we get when we just feel like we're on overload.
Desiree 4:30
It is such an interesting topic definitely because I think anxiety and stress and especially now the season that we're in, it's handled often in such a, like dramatic manner, right, that it doesn't really help anybody. So I'm really glad to do here today to unravel that a little bit for us to define what anxiety actually means for women, and how we can deal with it and use it to our advantage like you said,
Iva 5:04
Yeah, and this findings are so so powerful. So first off, I am of the stance where I feel that we should embrace anxiety. So anxiety is a friend and the reason why that is, it’s because as the author Karla McLaren was stating in her book-this emotion helps us identify problems and opportunities. And it brings us the energy and the focus that we need to face them. So when it comes to completing tasks, and projects, right, it gives us that push that we need to meet the deadlines that we have in front of us and this is a very, this is a very good place to begin with because as I said before, this holiday season, but sometimes there are other seasons in our lives that feel that same way, where it's like, so many deadlines, so many things to complete, and they are all huddled together looking at us. And we're like, Oh my God. You know, what do I do with all of that? So there's a doctor called Mary Lamea, who has also shared that we all have very unique ways of dealing with tasks and deadlines. And she also shares that we tend to fall into two types of responses when it comes to anxiety. In the dealing with deadlines. Why? Because when we know that there is something that we need to finish, or something that is looming in the forefront for us, it brings up the anxiety because the anxiety is a forward-looking emotion. It makes us go into the what-if in the future, you know, like Okay, so this is about to happen. So, what if this is not done? What if this is you know, what, what do we need to do? And so, we go into that space, but the two categories where people tend to fall into when it comes to this facing what's in front of us is either and I say this with a big asterisk, because I'll explain a little bit what that means. But it's like procrastinators that are individuals that focus on a deadline and act only when this anxiety intensifies so these are the people that tend to wait for like the last minute to pull everything off and some people may resonate with that. And then there's a do-aheader and these are the people that concentrate on completing the tasks sequentially. Okay, so what does that look like between, you know, a procrastinator and do-aheader in a scenario? Imagine that there's two women or two moms that they need to pick up their child at 3pm and they know that they have to leave the house by 2:45. So the task-driven mom may accomplish quite a few tasks before leaving the house, because she just wants to tick off several items of her to-do list. The other mom by contrast, she's the deadline driven mom, and she uses the 3pm pickup time as a deadline to do the tasks. So you see a little bit the nuance of the two approaches: is like they both get to do things, but their relationship with the anxiety that comes up is handled very differently in the way that they tick off those boxes. And society, for the most part, tends to condition us to believe that the do-aheaders- you know the ones that break up the tasks in sequence and they do a little bit here you know, on this day and then the other day and they just like break it down like that-hat seems to be the allowed way or the way that society tends to look upon with better eyes than the one that is like, oh, I'll just pull it all together at the last minute and it seems to like this, people seem to just pull it off incredibly well. So that is one thing that we should never forget for ourselves if we feel that we are in that category, because that's just the way that we relate to this emotion and to the way that we relate to doing tasks and deadlines. So if that is the one that you resonate with, and that's the one that you tend to always be operating on, embrace it. Sometimes what trips us up is also trying to do it a way that is not natural for us.
Desiree 10:43
Exactly. Oh my gosh. So I am definitely one of the ones who needs deadlines. I am such a deadline person and I create my own stress, you know for writing that deadline and then completing it then and I have all the like I have two workshops coming up one this Friday and then one on Monday and I could already do it. But, no I'm gonna leave it till Thursday night on the weekend to get ready for the Monday what it is just the way I operate and I tried it for many years to also of course there's things in orders I need to place and things I need to be backwards to be ready on time. Yes. So I tried to work a little bit more sequentially with preparing for everything as well. But my true getting things done really happens just before and I used to be like that even in university and you know, in school and for assignments, and I had to learn to embrace that because that's when I operate at my best, most efficient. And the other type of things is I'm just wasting my time because I'm sitting there for the three hour block, trying to get prepared, and I essentially don't get so much done. But the day before I only need one hour and I'm getting it all done. Hands down. Yeah, tried and tested it many times. It's great.
Iva 12:03
It's a big weight off your shoulders to know that that is what is going on. And that is allowed and that this is you know, this is part of who you are. So you are going to pull through what seems to be at the last minute but that's also like another very arbitrary way that society tends to measure things because what does that even mean? Like you have your way this is where your brilliance and your zone of genius shine. The best and an embrace it and we should feel the guilt about that. So what happens when it comes to us being mothers also is that we have the lion's share of the caregiving responsibilities for the most part, especially during those early years and not only that, but in the light of the lion's share of the caregiving, we're also required to be present and plan ahead. Almost for every task at hand. Okay, so within our motherhood maze, if you will, the fear and anxiety tend to be siblings, and each one of these emotions has a very specific job, because fear is what grounds us in the present, ensuring that our children's immediate safety is taken into consideration right we want to keep them safe and we want to keep them alive. Especially when they're so you know, helpless themselves, right and during those early years. But meanwhile, anxiety takes on the role of a visionary predicting into the future, right that's where we go and like oh, they didn't have a full naps and now in the afternoon, what do I need to prepare for? Or whatever that is, right. So then comes a time that when we are trying to have this fear of okay, I need to look out for what's imminent, in the periphery of myself and my child that could be dangerous to us. And I also need to be into the future of being able to prepare and plan. It feels like there's too much data and information coming at us and for us to be able to process it at once. And when they come together these two emotions, they brew the perfect storm of overwhelm. That is when we say I am so overwhelmed, and from this overwhelming need to sort everything out at once, confusion comes up. So I just want to explain this because it is so key to understand that sometimes we mistake confusion for anxiety, especially when our minds are swirling with a lot of facts and ideas and concerns. And all of these things. What happens with confusion is that confusion is an emotion- according to the author Karla McLaren- that acts as a masking state. Okay, so confusion steps in naturally so it's sometimes we say, Oh, I have mommy brain or you know, oh my God, I have so many things do that. I don't even know where to start. When we're at that moment, what that means is that confusion just stepped in. And it's stepping in to either tell us- it's like an alert- telling us that we need to slow things down. Or we need we need to slow things down so that fear can take a good long look and see if there's an immediate real threat. Or it tells us that we need to take a break because the anxiety is becoming too burdensome. Okay, so feeling confused, is actually a golden invitation for every single mother out there that allows for a reframing of responses. Okay, what does that mean? It means that you need to go to a space where you have to take a pause or a break that will allow you to relax enough so that you can go back and navigate the intersection where you are. What happens is that in that state of confusion, we feel completely like our self-control is running on empty. And then us mothers or a lot of us that are not necessarily parents, but we might also find ourselves we tend to actually have a dual response to this vortex that I have just explained. The first one is avoidance. Okay, so because I am so already overstimulated, so overwhelmed, I'm so confused. And so all of these things, I can't, I cannot deal with this internal state altogether. So I need to disconnect. This is what Netflix and the ice cream and phone scrolling tend to come in. It's a way where we naturally are avoiding this inner state that we're going through. And the other one is, that can also happen, so they can come in combination or you can find yourself that you tend to do one more than the other and that is fine too, but it is to seek more control. So because I cannot manage how I am feeling this internal state, then I will try to control the outside and then I try to do more and more and more and more and more meaning you know, it's the time to clean out more, it's the time to like add more tasks on my to do list, because now I didn't get them done or it doesn't seem like I'm moving forward. So let me let me seek more control outside.
Desiree 17:58
Yes, I think it's very, very important that we take a moment to define these and that everyone just asks themselves, right, am I confused? Am I overwhelmed? Or is this a true form of anxiety like you said, because it's so much deeper. Anxiety is not a term to take lightly because it can be quite serious because there's all that fear involved as well. There is so much more that goes with it. It runs deeper, right? So we need to be able to identify it. So I think what you say about taking that golden break for it is really important to just reflect and like Okay. So what's helped me for example is to like when I get like that in my brain I have that a lot you know, I make sure like right now actually we're doing a podcast recording but I just had something in my mind that I need to do. And I write it down, because then it's there. Right? And then I can go back to concentrating. Right like full disclosure here. I was thinking about something else for a second. But that's just the normal way our motherhood brain works right? We have 10 million things so we need to compartmentalize as well. And I just needed to quickly write that down. And now I can go back to focus. And I do that with things as well when I feel this overwhelm and this confusion,
Iva 19:29
Yeah, write things down and maybe put them into compartments and then when you look at it, it doesn't seem as overwhelming anymore, because you have a physical place, sort of like or somewhere to put it in.
Desiree 19:39
Exactly. So I know people will find their own ways to deal with it and I know you will find yours but what's really important and what Iva has said as well we need to identify what is what because also in episode nine we talk about the mental load. What's really important is so many people are coming up with as I have ADHD or I'm a mom with ADHD. Are you really or are you just full-on mother loading here? There is a difference and it's really important, dangerous to, you know, throw around these big terms as well. Because we also need to then try to tackle them in the right ways. So yes, thank you for bringing that up and just shedding light on you know, what is what and how we can how we can solve these different emotions.
Iva 20:30
Yeah, and it's sometimes very counterintuitive, and I know that the last thing that people want to do is to slow down or take a pause or take a break. In those moments of feeling confusion, because it feeds off the sense of I am losing control of you know of where I want to go-like somehow taking that break, taking that pause it's like a threat or something. So I want to address this a little bit more in these few sentences, which is like this sense of control comes from feeling that we're not safe. It's fear of lacking safety, but the only way that we can actually experience safety is in the body. We cannot think ourselves safe. So having this break, having this like sense of just you know, tuning in with ourselves, it is uncomfortable at the beginning. I will not lie, I have been through that before I started my meditation practice that has been ongoing for now over three years, like every single day. I meditate. But I did not start off like that. I started off not wanting to go into myself, because it was just too much what was brewing inside of me so I know that it's extremely, extremely uncomfortable. But however, it is an exercise that I really invite everyone to get familiar with and you don't have to do a lot of fit all at once. You can start off in like little increments, but even if it's just breathing, right, breathing is a great way to take a break or to take a pause because it doesn't involve blue light. It doesn't involve a gadget in front of you; a screen, something that is still continuing to put data and information in your in your brain. That's the whole key. It's like you don't want more input. You just want to allow your brain to just like be in this neutral space. Sometimes breathing does the trick. If you're a little bit more seasoned and you have like a yoga practice or meditation practice or you do praying that's wonderful too, but it's just like just tuning with yourself. Because the more that you're able to do that, the more that you're going to be turning around that sense of overwhelming confusion. Also another thing that works when we're thinking like oh, I need to be in control of more things out there in the world. The law of control as my beautiful mentor, Marissa Peer says, the law of control begins and ends with our thinking. So the only thing that we can really, really, really have any control over is the images that we put in our in our mind, and the words that we tell ourselves, those are the only things that we can control. If we're able to control those two things, we are going to be able to change our emotional state very quickly because our body needs to match what our mind is saying what our thoughts are. This is exactly what I teach and help my clients with when they come to me and they are in the space where they say The anxiety has taken over has taken over my life. I am in this. I had a client, for example, that she wasn't going to be moving up the corporate ladder because all her thinking was around taking bathroom breaks and when she would have to use the bathroom and it was starting to take control over her life and her professional life. She wouldn't sit in specific areas of a meeting room. Because she'd had to be near the door where she could like sort of escape to go to the bathroom. When it starts to go into that direction you start to see that you need to unravel that. And one of the fastest ways is obviously controlling that thinking, controlling those thoughts. So what are some of the tools to take empowered action then from all of this conversation that we've had today? Des, you pointed out two very important ones. The power of naming and engaging empathetically with that as you said, Wait a second. Is this anxiety? Is this fear? Is this overwhelm? Is this confusion? If you are able to name the state, the emotional state that you're in and be as precise as you possibly can, the less of a control it will have over you. The less of a hold it will have on your body as well. And you will be able to release it that much quicker because you're sort of like coming in sort of with a flashlight and you're looking under a dark corner and you're like Oh, there you are. This is what's been this is sort of like the pebble in my shoes, like I feel something funny when I walk. I mean, it's like it's bothering me, but I don't know what it is. And if we don't take the time to stop and take our shoes off and examine that oh, it was a pebble all along, then we won't be able to create that sense of going back to feeling safe or normal. Or just like relaxed, right? So that meaning, engaging empathically is very important. And the other thing that you said is that brain purge, right? I recommend that for better sleep. But also, as you say during the day like so many thoughts are swirling in our heads. Like where do you put it? If you feel that there's like an an app on your phone or a physical piece of paper where you just write all these random, crazy things that come up that are unrelated to what we're doing at the moment. But you can just revisit them at a later moment and say like oh yeah I wrote about this because I had to remember, then your mind is going to feel also much less antsy or less anxious that we're going to forget something because sometimes that's what it is as well, having you notice this that it's like, I'll forget this. Like I have to keep this in the top of my head because otherwise I will forget it and then yeah, then it really eats up a lot of our internal battery and our bandwidth, right. So but also, if you do it before going to bed, that's a really wonderful tool, because you are just allowing your mind to also take a real break like a real like a real, relaxing pause for eight hours or seven hours depending on how your kids you know, sleep through the night. But at least your mind is not trying to raise at three in the morning with all the to-do things because you have written them down. So name it, do a brain purge for better sleep. Another thing that is important is cultivating that emotional resilience. And that emotional resilience comes from examining how you feel without judgment. That's what it comes down to. If we have a label to how we are behaving we're adding on, we're compounding to the problem. This is not about like oh my God, why can't I be the relaxed mom like this other person or whatever? Why do I always have to feel so anxious? Well, you know, mama, maybe this season of your life, you have a lot of deadlines and you have a lot of things on your plate. So obviously, anxiety will show up, that is so natural. But when we go into the direction like oh, I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with, that tends to also compound to the problem. So being emotional resilience just means like oh yeah, I understand I am feeling anxious. What is it? And and you can start off from there. And that is a great space to be because then you're being just compassionate. And you're being curious with yourself which are the two most important things that you can start using to create that resiliency.
Desiree 28:32
Absolutely. And I think another thing that really helps is to have that person that you're able to speak to whether it's an accountability partner, your partner in life, right? Your husband or your wife, your business bestie, a best friend, anyone that you can have these conversations with. For me it really helps to name it because sometimes we can't name it right because we are not in it. But if we say it out loud, like I obviously I'm blessed to the max because I have Iva, but if I talk to Iva as like, oh my God, I did this and this and this and she's like this, this is what you're feeling, I'm like oh yeah, you're right. You're right. Okay, I need to just take a step I take need to take a moment, but it helps because we get lost in our own worry and our own confusion, we add to the confusion that's already happening by trying to identify or not identify what we're going through. So having someone to speak to definitely help.
Iva 29:37
Yes. And another tool that you can use for empowered action is the sense of reframing time. What every mother out there says, I mean, it's really really like, you know, the experience of all of us that are in this i journey is oh my God, time seems so limited. It seems like it's going so fast, right? It's like can you believe it's already you know, In the holiday season type of thing is like, Oh my God, where did the year go? And we start to feel again all this feelings. Marie Forleo said that “Time is an emotional experience” and it is very true. The way that we experience time has a lot to do with our emotional state. So this is a beautiful phrase that author Karla McLaren uses to address that as a helpful reminder in those anxious moments and it goes like this: There's always enough time for every important thing. It's not for everything. You're not going to get everything done possibly, right. But if you internalize that sense that there is always enough time for every important thing, your anxiety is going to release quite a bit because then it's like, oh, my gosh, you mean I don't have to worry about all of the million things. It's just like the few that are important, the few that matter. And you're like, yes, those are the ones.
Desiree 31:07
Say it one more time because I'm gonna write it down.
Iva 1:11
Write it down. There's always enough time for every important thing.
Desiree 31:17
I love it. I think that is so important to remember. And I think that's perfectly where our glass and our rubber balls come into play as well. Right? It's the important things that matter and that need to be done and also to always remind ourselves of that. There are so many more things that can be picked up later that are not up on your priority list. So don't let those really big unimportant things, suffer as well. So yeah, it really, really helps.
Iva 1:52
Absolutely. And the last tool that you can use is always looking for help like Desiree, you just mentioned having that accountability partner, or having that person in your life it can be your spouse, it can be you know, someone that you really trust and love and that loves and trusts you back so that you can allow them to be this sounding board to what you're going through. However, if you have any suspicion or you have any feeling that what's coming up for you is like double layered or multi-layered meaning it's not only the season in my life, it's not only the fact that I'm going through all these things at the moment, but it's also like an echo of things that happen in the past any adverse childhood experiences, for example, that are called aces, ACEs, or that you feel that there might be an element of trauma that is still ongoing that hasn't gotten closure, or it hasn't been fully resolved, then you can always seek fo the appropriate help.There is no shame in raising our hands and saying, I love the tips. I love the things I love the phrases and the mantras. But this feels like it's a little bit thicker. For me this feels like it's a little bit heavier. And please, that is actually being the most courageous that you will ever be. If you really address it head on and say even if it's not that big of a thing. Can I have the help or the necessary appropriate help to look into this a little bit further so that I can, you know, shift it, release it heal it and do the necessary things to let this go so that I can move forward feeling even more empowered, stepping into my brilliance, stepping into my zone of genius, stepping into who I really want to be and who I am and who I really am at the end of the day without all this added layers that came about from the past, then this is an invitation as well to not feel ashamed, not feel guilty, not feel the feelings of oh, I'm not competent enough or I'm not able to handle this. Like all the rest of the adults seem to because we see a lot of faces but we don't see the inner battles that everyone is going through because we all have some battles, in varying degrees, but we all are carrying something inside of us. So let's give ourselves a little bit of grace. Let's give ourselves a little bit of compassion. And let's give ourselves the opportunity to unpack that if we feel that we have been carrying around weight and baggage from the past that no longer belongs in our present.
Desiree 34:51
Yeah. And there is no shame and reaching for further tools to go through these emotions or these phases of our of our lives. And especially a busy season like now, I mean, you are talking to clinical aroma therapist and a licensed hypnotherapist as well that we tell you there are tools available. If you are an essential oil user for example, like just purge, brain purging and chatting your mind off for sleep there is an oil that we also mentioned, which is Peace And Calming if you are in the Young Living world. It's my magical OFF button for the evening after writing things down. There's still this trickle of to d- list that appears behind my eyes. I just swipe it on my forehead. I inhale it and that is literally my off button. There is also what I always call a bit of my like anxiety blends and after this conversation I may have to like see whether you know it's maybe the confusion blend, but it is something that helps me in these total times that I feel completely overwhelmed and which is which is right now lately actually they I am using that on a daily basis. I use Valor it's like your courage blend to give you more courage and to balance the electrical energies of our body. I put that on the back of my neck. I put Joy over my heart because joy is just one of those blends you know like it already says it gives you back the joy of what you should be feeling even in times that may be a little bit more stressful. So I swiped that over my heart and then Stress Away one of my all-time favorites as again the title says stress away. It is amazing for just alleviating these feelings of stress. And just to put that on your wrists. These combinations are just tools that I would add on right to manage my everyday but of course like Iva said, if there is something you feel that goes so much deeper and that you need to work through especially that are tied to fear, you have Iva- get on a call with Iva, I've done that several times. And I it's just been an amazing help for me, you know, to work through things and like she mentioned like, unravelled some experiences that I've had that I didn't know were related to what I am currently feeling. So she is Licensed and highly professional. And she will help you to get through that because you should feel nothing but joy during the season. of your life with your children with the holidays. So we're here we're always here to support you.
Iva 37:53
Yes. And kudos to you, Mama. We are here to empower you to give you insights to give you inspiration, and most importantly to help you change the narrative that it doesn't have to be a silent struggle. It can be a very hopeful and joyous journey.
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Hey lovely mama! You're ready to grown your business and still be present in your children’s lives while following your passion and sharing your gifts. But when the anxious part comes in and sabotages your work, relationships and your health, it's never fun.
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Episodes Mentioned
Everything. Together. All At Once | Strategies to Handle the MotherLoad
