TRANSCRIPT
Motherhood Unveiled | Embrace the Beautiful Chaos
Iva 1:00
Welcome to the first episode of the brand spanking new season four of the Mom Bosses Abroad podcast. I am Iva Perez and I am here with my business bestie Desiree Bonau.
Desiree 1:11
Hello Hello
Iva 1:15
It feels so good to be here in the studio with you as this beautiful podcast is entering its fourth season.
Desiree 1:20
I know I know. Iva, do you remember the conversation we had where we said ‘let's press the record button on our conversations’ to hopefully inspire other moms out there. When we had that conversation, did you ever think we would be recording season after season and actually reach this season fourth?
Iva 1:36
I can barely believe that it's been, you know, three seasons of just pure fun, incredible growth. That discovery for us on so many levels. And I just want to put it out there because if we don't do it, who will? Everything we've done so far in this podcast has been a labor of love. It has been based on a solid foundation of synergy and friendship that it's really unbelievable. And so far everything that we have done has been organic. So I really want to put it out there that we have manifested a podcast that is currently ranking in the Top 10 of the 70 Best Mompreneur podcasts of 2023. So pinch me I can't believe this happened. And we are also gearing to air our 100th episode. So this special episode, this milestone episode, is not too far behind. So stay tuned for it. And so I just I just can't believe it. And to come back to your question-I hadn't looked so far ahead. I think that what we wanted to do then was just showcase what was going on for us at the moment within our back and forth conversations that were touching on all subjects.
Desiree 2:39
I think as well, like you said it's been a labor of love, but it's also been guided by an incredible flow. It's like a magical flow almost. Having started this amazing passion project and between the two of us without ever having met for those who know our story is that Iva and I had never met when we set out to do this but we have just connected on so many levels at the beginning. Of this year, January 2023, we actually had the beautiful opportunity to meet in person and felt like we've known each other for a lifetime.
Iva 3:07
It felt a little bit like you know, like a blind date. I don't know, like someone you have texted, you have called, you have had a lot of conversations and all of a sudden, you're like ‘I'm going to be in front of this person’ will this still feel as incredibly and it’s just been like magical
Desiree 3:27
And there was not one awkward moment. We bonded, and it just got even stronger and fun fact we discovered that we're both exactly the same height as well. So right that's one thing we didn't know before. So I mean, we hug each other we're like oh, that is so funny. Because we're both fairly short. So there we've said it now you know I know and now for the 100th episode. It is also unbelievable but a little bit of a spoiler alert. We will be together once again, face to face next to each other probably holding hands while we're going to be recording a very, very special 100th episode for for you. So but yes, without further ado, I am so thrilled to be jumping into season four. We're coming back definitely with way more experience under our belt in terms of the things we're going to talk about just life experience, right and as our podcast is called Mom Bosses Abroad we have, I think three very, very strong pillars. We're going to be speaking to this season to dive deeper into topics we have already unravelled. But we have just gotten I wouldn't say we become older we have but we didn't wanna mention that. But we've become more experienced as mothers, our children have grown up. I now have a second child but I started the podcast with one child. Now I have two children. You’re children are older now. We are changing as moms, we are evolving each and every day. So I think the things we're going to dive into the season we'll have more of an edge more often. How do you say more? You have more life experience embedded into each and every word.
Iva 4:59
Yes, we definitely are preparing some very special things for you, our listener, as we gear towards, you know, rolling out season four, because we have evolved, right? This and I feel that we have agreed and this continues to be this has always been the case right but we want to continue to be true to the things, to the ideas, to the insights that resonate with us and as our lives as our children have evolved so have we. So we wanted to get started as you know there's three pillars that really make up what we're all about with this podcast is Mom Bosses Abroad the intersection where we are moms we are bosses and we are abroad and we are not close physically to those support networks and systems that other people have access to when they just pretty much grow up and stay put within one place. That is not our journey on our path. So you know this episode is all about our own reflections looking a little bit back and also forward regarding this mom journey, right because one of the things that we started off with was first of all, we are moms right this is a little bit what brought us together this is one of those points that you know unite us and this is the reason why we wanted to keep records of our conversations because they started off with those mom conversations. So how do you define motherhood? How do you define this journey that is always evolving, it's always changing from day to day, and year to year and season to season. So this is a topic that is very much at the core of this podcast. In fact, if you look back through our previous seasons, you're gonna find about 20-21 episodes that are fully fully fully just dedicated to these conversations about motherhood and in all of its layers and aspects. And, and we just, you know, we just want in this episode to reflect upon that, right? What does it mean that our motherhood journey is all about?
Desiree 6:46
Exactly and it's such when you're asked to define motherhood, I think that's something extremely difficult to do because everyone defines it very differently for themselves. But I just want to say one thing is that Iva and I and we've discovered that over the years now that we've known each other is we are both very different mothers with very different mother and mothering techniques, ways of being a mom, right the tactics, the strategies that the flow right there, so we do things quite differently. But I think that's what makes us very interesting is that we constantly draw inspiration from each other. We see each other's journey because we know we both have different viewpoints on several topics. So it's always so refreshing to listen to. I mean, it would be a very boring podcast if we came here and do everything exactly the same. And yet, we do things extremely differently with our children. Yet there is always this common point, right? This magical flow that we have that has truly bonded us together. I think that keeps us flowing the way we are and it gives us these deep conversations because deep down, you know, past that the strategies, the way we do things, the tactics, we have up our sleeves we have this incredible energy that we use, in our ways in our motherhood ways.
Iva 8:02
Absolutely. And I guess I can speak for the two of us when I say that we believe that motherhood is unique to every woman, and that each mama out there gets to decide the way that she crafts her journey on what terms and it's her own terms. And this energy that you're talking about this I I have gotten to find and it's part of you know the work that I also do with my clients is I define it as this unique mom energy which I just consolidated into one word called momergy. And it just refers a little bit to the mental, the physical, the emotional energies within us as mothers. So when we started to talk and say how do you how do you even define that and again, it's very unique to each one of us and it's also unique to what stage in life you happen to be right from which perspective you get to see it but for me, I cannot separate the motherhood journey with this merging this unique mom energy that we all that we all have. And if you ask me, What is momergy at the end of the day, then I would have to quote Martha Graham, when she said that “there is a vitality, a life force and energy, a quickening that is translated through your Momergy into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, but if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.” So it is this honoring of our essence and of who we are and who we become as we are going through this journey. Because it's a long game. Our children will always be your children. The role of the mother doesn't have an expiration date. It's not that we retired from being moms like we don't get the gold watch and the you know, thank you and your plaque up you did an amazing job it's over it's for life. Obviously I'm not gonna call it a job description because it's not that but there is no time expiry on being a mom. It just continues and continues to evolve because our children grow and evolve as well. And so their needs and their desires and their journeys interlap with ours, and so it becomes this beautiful flow and dance. And I guess that's what makes it very dynamic.
Desiree 10:44
Yes, I absolutely agree with you. I absolutely love your definition of the mom energy and have adapted it into my life and the way I am as a mom as well. And it's really this commitment, isn't it, that shows up it's completely nonverbal. It's full of energy, and it shows up in the middle of complete chaos. Every going through sometimes in the middle of frustration in the middle of overwhelm. And through this momergy we are able to regain our natural state. Just no matter what it is these things that happened to us through the day or you know that happened in the life of a mom. They're unpredictable and we cannot plan for them. We cannot prepare for things like we do for meeting like a business meeting back in our corporate world, right? We have to absolutely trust this energy inside of us to take us through these situations and we thrive within all of these emotions. And we don't let them control us but rather we're taking those and rolling with it in order to just be that mom, right that the best mom that our kids need in that very moment.
Iva 11:47
Not only that. That was one of the things that I feel it's also important to highlight here is that it's not that we become mothers and then it's happening to us but the motherhood journey, the fact that we are moms that we are looking after our children that we are connecting with another human being at this level of having brought them into the world is that we are actively co-creating it daily. Right we have always the power to choose everything about it. Everything about this journey, we get to choose over and over and over again. And I want to say this with a lot of emphases because we get to do it over and over again every new day with zero guilt, pressure or expectation. Sometimes it trips us up and I was very, I don't know like I just I just needed to put this out into the world and so we're gonna put it into the show notes. I wrote a manifesto on it right on Momergy and motherhood it because I felt that I really needed to state for myself and hopefully for anyone else who's listening. If you want it, you can click on the link and read it completely like everything that I wrote. I still stand by it. And one of the things that I shared with that is that this is a co-creation space that we are doing alongside our children alongside our partners alongside our friends, right we are not mothers in a silo. We are mothers in community, in this interactions, in these exchanges. And one of the things that I love that you said was we are most likely not going to find someone that is exactly like us in their approach to motherhood and how to raised their little ones, but that is okay. You don't We don't have to find our clone, so to speak, but we do have to be clear about how we define it for ourselves so that we can attract and resonate with people that are having that same long term vision that you know other fellow moms that feel this same vibe as to not the exact how to do things right because as I mentioned, maybe bedtime routines are different in her home than they are at mine. Maybe you know the whole aspect about you know how to spend quality time is also different and so forth. And there's so many variables to it. But for the most part, the underlying commonality is that we have the sense of power over deciding how we want that to be and that we are wanting to be very intentional in reaching those old conditionings that might have come from our parents. They didn't know better or the pressure from society or we're having this guilt all the time over our shoulders. And we are not saying that we are completely rid of that right we have our doubts we have our fears. We have the sense of what will happen because life is unpredictable, and ourchildren are unpredictable as well _they don't know how they will react to certain things to certain situations as well, what will come up? And so there is this uncertainty that keeps us sometimes thinking a little bit longer at night, like what about this? What about that? But, but that is okay, because we also feel that we can be empowered to face whatever comes our way. Right?
Desiree 14:37
Absolutely. There's so much pressure around us like as a society right? I mean, every time I come in touch with other moms, it's constantly also like how do you do this? How do you do that? It's this comparison game at times and it's this pressure to be a perfect mom nowadays, but there is no such thing as being a perfect mom. And we are often victims of the pressure of finding a balance- yet we have long ago established there is no such thing as balanced when you're a mom, right? You cannot each and every day have that perfect lunchbox and then create that perfect dinner and have the perfect play date after school. It's a give and take it's a finding our harmony, right and we have to be fine with that and first of all, we need to be in harmony with ourselves. We need to be confident that we are playing with our momergy of the day. This is this is the energy we're in today. So that's what we're flowing with. Because that is how we find the confidence for ourselves and our children feel that. Our children feel when we're wavering, they feel when we're unsure and they play on that But if we can show up as our authentic self, whatever momergy is on the plate that day, our kids feel that and this is how we find harmony. Yesterday. we didn't really have a plan in the afternoon but I wanted to go home and cook this really nice meal that does take a little bit longer to prepare, but you know, we were all craving it. But then as it happens after school, someone's like, Hey, let's go to the park together. And so we did and we ended up playing there until it almost dark. We had the most perfect afternoon. It was just so beautiful. But we raced home. It was late. It was dark. No one was showered. Of course, we had a very simple dinner that I threw together in a few minutes. But you know what? I didn't make that perfect dinner that evening that I had planned all week. But we had such a great day and it's all about finding that harmony, right? We can't beat ourselves up of getting everything done and being stressed about it. But we can't juggle all the balls in the air. We can't and we have to admit that and we have to stand tall for it. But if you go to bed at the end of the day, and that was an amazing day and feeling complete harmony of yourself. Your day as a mom was a complete success.
Iva 16:39
Yes, yes. So so so true on so many fronts because when we try to fight what is that little bit where the resistance comes right and it's a bit about noticing when we are doing that, when we are wanting to execute on this perfect curated vision of what they should be. In your case, right like what that perfect day was like with you making this this meal for everybody and enjoying it and you looking forward to it and you know life happens. Life happens. We are mothers to unique individuals. They are not little humans, they are humans period. And because they are also human, they have their own opinions. They have their rights. Our children have their own perspectives on things, their own viewpoints. And that also factors here but because we don't know what they will choose on that day, sometimes when children they come home from school and they don't want to go out they want to go outside and sometimes I find myself that leads them and saying you have to go downstairs you have to you know breathe some fresh air you have to get a little bit more vitamin D sunshine all these things right. And also my hidden agenda is you also have to go and get tired outside and there's this narrative that clashes with what they want and it's taking the stepping back and saying okay, maybe they did have a long day today. Maybe today they're just not feeling it like it. We don't always have this the same momergy. Right as I said, sometimes we have more momergy sometimes we have less momergy and we have to be in tune to that. So it that also means the tune to their own energies. And one of the things that I wrote in this manifesto was exactly that_ that momergy is a natural state of being and it's also about trusting this natural state to come into the foreground, in any given situation in the most organic, fluid way. We don't need to make it happen. Just let it happen. It will happen effortlessly and naturally. And so when I take the time to not fight that vision of: they need to be outside because of all these reasons and I just say okay, then stay in. You know when things flow a little bit better and I'm honoring them. And I'm also allowing this moment of harmony to know what to do in that moment. Okay, now they're singing now what? And the natural next step will unfold, just as it tends to go when they don't try to interfere too much. Right.
Desiree 18:49
Exactly. Exactly. And it's the memory for me is also a little bit of unlearning. And it sounds so contradictory to what we're saying. But it's about bringing ourselves to live and setting ourselves free if we are strong enough to unlearn sort of the formulas we picked up along the way the beliefs we arrived, and the habits we hold on to right because we evolve. Our kids are growing up. No day is the same. No season is the same. And I was in a pretty good flow with my firstborn. He is now going to be six next month and he was a calm little boy he still is you know I'll be going into such a good groove. He had a great routine. It's amazing. Then child number two comes along and is completely different. So I had a lot of unlearning to do and the way I used to do it. I did things with my firstborn. And I rediscovered motherhood all over again. I you know like different ways of mothering, different ways of going through the day and now you have two children that are very different from each other. And your energy shifts, your energy grows, your energy becomes even stronger. And we don't need to get frustrated. We don't need to keep ourselves in that cage and things have to be like that. But the first one I did like there's no we've got to accept that each child is different. Each season is different. You sort of think you've got a routine down, they change so we have to change with them. But it's all about bringing ourselves to life as well thriving within that energy that we have amongst us motherhood journey. One of the most beautiful things there is we discover who we are, who we don't want to be sometimes too, like more of who we are deep down who we were maybe craving to be when we were growing up or it's just a lot of discoveries we're making along the way and we need to find a way to thrive on that to grow with that constant feeling with that constant change that comes with being a mom.
Iva 20:38
One of the things about that I feel about motherhood that conditioners to not allow this moment to flow as is intended to, it’s certain trappings of the mind where we start to believe that we won't have time, that we don't have energy, right that we cannot make certain things happen. Things are not available to us. When we play that game of comparison, of seeing what someone else is doing in their highlight reel of the day. And we're like, I'm not even close to that I still haven't even showered and you know, she's dancing and you know, she already did all this amazing things right and it's quite interesting how this de-conditioning has to has to happen in order for us to really step into this authentic version of who we really are. And I'll be redundant but I just I just really really really want to put it out there because to me and I guess for you Des as well, is redefining a lot of things and we don't know what we don't know, right? That's also what was your situation and it was similar to me, you have your first child and you want to refer back to that playbook that you used. And it's not going to apply because guess what, you are no longer in that same space, same perspective or context. Your child doesn't have the same temperament maybe they don't have the same sex as your previous child. You know, there's so many variables that come into play. And this is the part that that ends up coming through. With the clashing of okay, my time now is more limited because now there's two not just one right? Or my, my energy is not there because now I'm older when I had my second or third child, then when I have my first one, or you know, right now where I where I am and it's just not possible for me to be spending time on this hobby or this activity or pursuing, you know, a new career or wanting to step into entrepreneurship and you know, how do I do that and all of this that comes into our plate. So we have to be, I guess, vigilant of when those stories start to crop up, and how to properly address them because I do feel that a lot of the motherhood game happens in our mind. In the sense that we have a vision, we have a plan. We have a strategy, like this is how we want our day to go. This is the meal that we had intended to make for the day. This is how we expect to be spending the weekend, the quality time, whatever. And then the unfolding happens so much more differently. So what do we what do we do with that now like how do we approach it? And how do we decondition ourselves as well? So that were showing up more authentically. And one of the things that you will find, as we continue through the season is that there has been a lot of new insights and I call it looking over the baby book. Like looking back on those baby books, those early years where we took pictures of the kids they looked a certain way, and we can transport ourselves to that moment, the way that we felt the way that we experienced the world. What were your thoughts back then what were feelings back then? And then looking at a child now and seeing for example, my son, he's already started to lose his teeth and he's so excited about it. He's like, it's the best thing that has ever happened to him in life is to lose his teeth. And so now you're like, Oh my God, you're at the stage already where you're losing your teeth. You're it's not that the new teeth are coming you know.
Desiree 23:49
Yes. I have a teething child right now.
Iva 23:53
You’re a mama on all those other groups like what do I do? How do I get help with the teething? Well, now it's different right? Now the teeth are falling off like what comes next? What is that next step into this journey. So we can always choose and it goes back to this creating our own motherhood experience. We can always choose how we want to experience it and how we want to create it alongside our children or partners everyone that is that is part of our world. And also when are we clearing that victim card, right? Because momergy and motherhood is taking the exciting, the beautiful, the painful, the difficult of life that might be happening at any given moment and still showing up with this sense of I know that it will all work out. Like I know that I've got this. You know when we sign off on our podcast we always say like you've got this mama, you know you can you because it is this momergy that is the buoyancy of no matter what we will come up to the surface, there's no way that we can drown unless we allow ourselves to believe that it's possible.
Desiree 24:53
And Momergy is we also take energy out of places we didn't even know existed. We didn't even know we had this energy in us until the moment comes where we need it. And we surprise ourselves all the time. Not waiting with what we are able to do and manage in a day. But that's the beauty of it and being open to it and feeling empowered that we are able to find this energy. So it's very, very powerful,
Iva 25:15
Of course, because when we are deliberate in how we're harnessing our momergy, we free ourselves from having this overwhelming sense of fear that we're failing at everything and that we're failing at every turn, at every decision, right? And if we know that, we can be conscious about what we're allowing, what we're not allowing and it just falls down the wayside when we just allow ourselves to know that we are incredible already as we are. We don't need to do more. Actually, we sometimes could do so much less and still come out ahead. Yes, sometimes less is more. But what is important as well, to share with you is that we also believe in the collective. One of our mantras that you probably have heard us say in the past is that you have to do it yourself, but you don't have to do it alone. Because we are also part of a sisterhood. And it is what we want to bring always in our messages through our podcasts is that we collectively uplift empower and support one another, that we want to create the space especially because we also don't have a big support system where we are and we are not physically close to our family because we are living abroad. That is the other pillar that is part of this Mom Bosses Abroad experience is that how do we then create around us this community? This is a group of fellow moms that may not be just exactly like we are right in their approach to life and to motherhood and everything but they also are believing in feeling inspired and uplifted in showing up no matter what, in going for it and learning and unlearning as well. And there's this beautiful quote by Neale Donald Walsch, that says that “The purpose of life is to recreate yourself in you in the next golden moment of now, in the grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held about who you are.” And I would add while having heaps of fun along the way.
Desiree 27:09
Absolutely. And another thing you can really expect this season is that we are tackling these topics with new angles as well. We have Iva who is a Licensed Hypnotherapist. I am a Certified Clinical Aromatherapist and we are we have so many insights and tips. And yeah the work we want to share with you through being a Mom Boss Abroad, becoming the best version of ourselves. So stay tuned for amazing, amazing conversations and tools that we're going to give you along your way as well.
Iva 27:44
Yes, and as we always say, “you've got this Dear Mama”, we are here right with you. And we can't wait to take you along for the ride on this brand, new spanking season.
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